Changes that Heal Learning to bond

Changes that Heal

Learning to bond

In order to grow emotionally
and spiritually, we have to bond with others. Learning to bond requires the
ingredients to life: grace, truth and practiced over time. Learning to bond
challenges our old ways of doing and thinking: “To get something you never
had, you have to do something you have never done.” Learning to bond
requires us to be vulnerable and allow the needy side of ourselves to be shown
to others. We have to let down our defenses and allow ourselves to be
relationally dependent on others. We have to open up and take a risk to the
possibility of being hurt. The following is a list of bonding skills that can
be learned and developed.

Challenge your distorted thinking

Our “old maps” keep us from
learning the new direction of where we need to go. Doing the things we have
always done causes us to repeat where we have been already. The Bible says
“Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). It
is only with grace and truth over time, we learn our way.

Realize the need

When life is not working, we
have to ask ourselves: why? Recognizing and admitting that we have symptoms to
not bonding and barriers to bonding, gives us insight. The theme of the Bible
teaches relationship with God and the Body of Christ is needed for us to grow.
Realizing the need is the beginning to growth.

Recognize defenses

Learn to recognize the
patterns in how you are operating with others and take responsibility for your
own growth. Be the change instead of repeating old behavior: “Oh, there I go
again, taking a positive and turning it into a negative with someone who is
trying to love me. I will try and let them matter to me this time.”

Move towards others

It is wonderful when others
accept us and show us love. Bonding takes being open and proactive. Do your
best to reach out to others for help and support.

Take risks

Our old ways of thinking and
the resistance to truth, keeps us from opening new doors of relationships.
Without risk, we cannot grow, learn, or love.

Be vulnerable

Humility and vulnerability
are absolutely necessary for bonding to develop at a deep level. Vulnerability
is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit
your hurts and loneliness, and ask for help and support, a new dynamic will set
in motion that will transform your personality and your life.

Soften your heart

When you begin to open your
lonely heart, your needy, and dependent feelings begin to surface. Even though
uncomfortable, these are the beginnings to the softening of our heart. Allowing
the tenderness of your heart to resurface, will give opportunity for
relationship and bonding to develop and grow.

Be empathic

Empathy is the ability to
share in another s thoughts, emotions, and needs. Empathizing with others and
identifying with their loss and pain, softens your own heart and gets you in
touch with our own hurt and loneliness.

Get in touch with your anger

Often times, people will
avoid bonding because they fear their anger at the very one whom they love and
need. It is natural to feel anger to the one you need. Because of our sinful
nature, we resent feeling dependent on God and others.

Pray and meditate

Ask God to reveal your heart
so you can see your true self. Ask God to unravel the problems of your
inability to attach with others. “ For He will deliver the needy who cry out:
the afflicted who have no one to help” (Psalms 72:12).

Rely on the Holy Spirit

When we come to the place
when we are troubled, we confess our inability and ask Him to help us. “The
Spirit helps us in our weakness” (Romans 8:26).

Say yes to life

When we are lonely and
isolated, we are saying no to relationship. Sometimes we choose to hide behind
our walls of denial, or stay too busy for relationships. When we make excuses
and avoid intimacy, we are saying no to bonding and no to life. The task of
bonding to others and God is one of saying yes to life. When we have realized
and confessed our need, taken a risk and make ourselves vulnerable, we are
saying yes to life. When we start accepting invitations as they present
themselves, we say yes to love. It may mean giving a different answer in safe
contexts when you are asked, “How are you doing?”

Conclusion

By looking at the past we
can acknowledge our reluctance for relationship. Looking at the present, we can
evaluate who is available to increase our relationships. What steps can you
take with those people to produce better attachments? How can you make time,
change your schedule, and lifestyle to increase your quality of relationships?
What difficulties do you envision encountering as you begin to challenge your
isolation? What will you do to overcome these obstacles?

Ezekiel 2 3

Ezekiel 2

Ezekiel Sent to Rebellious Israel

So when I saw it, I fell on my face, and I heard a voice of One speaking.

¹ And He said to me, “Son of man, stand on your feet, and I will speak to you.” ² Then the Spirit entered me when He spoke to me, and set me on my feet; and I heard Him who spoke to me. ³ And He said to me: “Son of man, I am sending you to the children of Israel, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against Me; they and their fathers have transgressed against Me to this very day. ⁴ For they are impudent and stubborn children. I am sending you to them, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD.’ ⁵ As for them, whether they hear or whether they refuse—for they are a rebellious house—yet they will know that a prophet has been among them.
⁶ “And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you dwell among scorpions; do not be afraid of their words or dismayed by their looks, though they are a rebellious house. ⁷ You shall speak My words to them, whether they hear or whether they refuse, for they are rebellious. ⁸ But you, son of man, hear what I say to you. Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”
⁹ Now when I looked, there was a hand stretched out to me; and behold, a scroll of a book was in it. ¹⁰ Then He spread it before me; and there was writing on the inside and on the outside, and written on it were lamentations and mourning and woe.

Ezekiel 3

¹ Moreover He said to me, “Son of man, eat what you find; eat this scroll, and go, speak to the house of Israel.” ² So I opened my mouth, and He caused me to eat that scroll.
³ And He said to me, “Son of man, feed your belly, and fill your stomach with this scroll that I give you.” So I ate, and it was in my mouth like honey in sweetness.
⁴ Then He said to me: “Son of man, go to the house of Israel and speak with My words to them. ⁵ For you are not sent to a people of unfamiliar speech and of hard language, but to the house of Israel, ⁶ not to many people of unfamiliar speech and of hard language, whose words you cannot understand. Surely, had I sent you to them, they would have listened to you. ⁷ But the house of Israel will not listen to you, because they will not listen to Me; for all the house of Israel are impudent and hard-hearted. ⁸ Behold, I have made your face strong against their faces, and your forehead strong against their foreheads. ⁹ Like adamant stone, harder than flint, I have made your forehead; do not be afraid of them, nor be dismayed at their looks, though they are a rebellious house.”
¹⁰ Moreover He said to me: “Son of man, receive into your heart all My words that I speak to you, and hear with your ears. ¹¹ And go, get to the captives, to the children of your people, and speak to them and tell them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD,’ whether they hear, or whether they refuse.”
¹² Then the Spirit lifted me up, and I heard behind me a great thunderous voice: “Blessed is the glory of the LORD from His place!” ¹³ I also heard the noise of the wings of the living creatures that touched one another, and the noise of the wheels beside them, and a great thunderous noise. ¹⁴ So the Spirit lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness, in the heat of my spirit; but the hand of the LORD was strong upon me. ¹⁵ Then I came to the captives at Tel Abib, who dwelt by the River Chebar; and I sat where they sat, and remained there astonished among them seven days.

Ezekiel Is a Watchman

¹⁶ Now it came to pass at the end of seven days that the word of the LORD came to me, saying, ¹⁷ “Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; therefore hear a word from My mouth, and give them warning from Me: ¹⁸ When I say to the wicked, ‘You shall surely die,’ and you give him no warning, nor speak to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life, that same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood I will require at your hand. ¹⁹ Yet, if you warn the wicked, and he does not turn from his wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but you have delivered your soul.
²⁰ “Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and commits iniquity, and I lay a stumbling block before him, he shall die; because you did not give him warning, he shall die in his sin, and his righteousness which he has done shall not be remembered; but his blood I will require at your hand. ²¹ Nevertheless if you warn the righteous man that the righteous should not sin, and he does not sin, he shall surely live because he took warning; also you will have delivered your soul.”
²² Then the hand of the LORD was upon me there, and He said to me, “Arise, go out into the plain, and there I shall talk with you.”
²³ So I arose and went out into the plain, and behold, the glory of the LORD stood there, like the glory which I saw by the River Chebar; and I fell on my face. ²⁴ Then the Spirit entered me and set me on my feet, and spoke with me and said to me: “Go, shut yourself inside your house. ²⁵ And you, O son of man, surely they will put ropes on you and bind you with them, so that you cannot go out among them. ²⁶ I will make your tongue cling to the roof of your mouth, so that you shall be mute and not be one to rebuke them, for they are a rebellious house. ²⁷ But when I speak with you, I will open your mouth, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD.’ He who hears, let him hear; and he who refuses, let him refuse; for they are a rebellious house.

Foundations to Growth

Foundations to Growth: Changes that Heal



What, why and when of bonding



What is bonding?

Bonding is one of the most
basic and foundational ideas in life and the universe. Bonding or attachment is
our deepest and most primary spiritual and emotional need. God is relational
and He created us in His image so we were created to be relational. From the
womb, we need connection with God and others for comfort, safety, nurturing,
meaning and a general sense of belonging. The message of the Bible is
restoration and reconciliation. Loving God and others restores us back to
relationship. This is what bonding is all about.



Moral benefits from bonding and attachment

Bonding is a basis for
morality. The Bible talks of morality based on love, not on rules or principles.
A mother doesn’t hold her child because she “ought” to. She loves him and holds
the child because she feels his discomfort. A friend doesn’t visit her sick
neighbor because she “should”, rather because she cares for her neighbor’s well
being. Only compassion drives us to real sacrificial love.



In the movie “As Good as it
gets” starring Jack Nicholson, he tells his girl friend played by Helen Hunt,
“You make me want to be a better man”.
Since we often times do what is wrong, rules rarely keep us in line.
Bonding, attachments and love does a much better job of keeping us moral. When
we think of how we might hurt the one we love, more often we will follow some
code of conduct. The difference then is
we don’t to do something wrong to someone because it’s wrong; we don’t
do something wrong to someone, because we hurt him or her. The
motivation to do right is love, not obligation.



Health benefits from bonding

A person’s ability to love
and connect with others lays the foundation for mental and physical health. One
can adjust or recover more rapidly from several physical illnesses including
stress, cancer, heart attack, and stroke. Even having a pet to love and bond
with slows our heart rate. Good friends and the body of Christ provide us with
a support system in our time of need. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this
way you will fulfill the law of Christ”
(Galatians 6:2).



Life has more meaning and purpose when we bond

When we are in a loving and
a bonded relationship, we are able to see meaning in serving others and in our
accomplishments. We are able to accomplish more on our own, when our “emotional
tanks” are full. When we are bonded to God and others our accomplishments have
a deeper meaning. Events and work have purpose instead of obligation or a
function. Instead of “task-oriented” work and service becomes “relationally
oriented”. Life becomes exciting
because bonding increases the opportunity to exercise your God given talents
and abilities which provides help and resources to others in need or of need.

There is only one God so who can God relate to?

God is not alone. He exists
and always has in relationship as three persons in one or referred to as the
Trinity. He is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. This three
in one relationship is hinted to in Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us
make man in our image, and in our likeness”. Jesus suggests the quality and timelessness
of the relationship when He says to His Father “you loved me before the
creation of the world” (John 14:24). Before creation, God was in a bonded and
attached relationship with His son and the Holy Spirit.



The basic identity of God is love

Relationship and bonding is
the foundation of God’s nature. The apostle John wrote, “God is love. Whoever
lives in love lives in God, and God in Him” (1 John 4:16). Love is the basic
identity of God; therefore love is basic to our identity also.

A plant needs water and
sunlight to survive. Just like a plant, we grow and thrive and need to be
“rooted and grounded” in love. We literally draw from the love of God and
others to fuel our transformation and fruit bearing.



The importance of bonding

When we are in a loving and
a bonded relationship, we are alive and growing. Our emotional and mental
well-being depends on the condition of our heart. The heart is the seat of all
our dreams, desires, goals and hope. We are told to guard our heart “for it is
the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The condition and health of our heart
depends on our ability to bond with God and others. The Bible says “A happy
heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit” (Proverbs
15:13).



What happens when the bonding process is interrupted?

Often times in life, we can
be injured at these early developmental stages including infancy, childhood,
and even early adulthood. When this occurs, we have great difficulty trusting,
being intimate, and depending on others. When we were robbed or lost our
ability to bond, we suffer from several root causes; abandonment, rejection,
loneliness and fear that will separate us from the love of God and others. When we are alone or isolated, our lives are
darkened, become chaotic and our growth is stunted.



Our need takes us back to Jesus

Because of our hurts, loss
and pain, we develop walls around us to prevent others from ever hurting us
again, or so we think. Our pride blinds us to the truth and reality that sets
us free. We rebel and try doing things our way until we hit bottom and turn to
God who is the source of relationship and bonding, and the author of love. Our
needs are the fuel to growth and healing. Relationship to God and others helps
us to meet our needs. Without such connectedness to God and others, we will
slowly wither and die, just as a branch is cut off from its vine. Jesus said, “Remain
in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must
remain in the vine (John 15:44).

The Clock Is Ticking

The Clock Is Ticking

• 40 percent of the world's population has never heard the Gospel
• 28 percent of countries have a minority Christian population
• 2,250 languages still do not have any of the Bible translated

But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

1 Peter 2:9 / KJV